Why I Love Being Single
I was always kind of boy-crazy growing up. Not having a boyfriend in high school was a rarity for me. I even got married at age 19! We had been together for nearly two years at that point.
Without going into details, my marriage was a total sham. We were married in June and by December I had filed for divorce. It was finalized in February. So in less than a year I had gone from engaged to married to divorced. Talk about a whirlwind!
When my ex moved out of our apartment, I found myself in a new situation. I had never lived by myself before. I was scared out of my mind and I was constantly lonely!
I went through a lot of emotional ups and downs that year and my finances are reflective of this. My debt really began during this time period when I began comforting myself with clothes and shoes. I had always loved fashion, clothes and shoes before, but now they were my sold "friends", or so I thought.
Fast forward about 4 years and here I am now. I am still single and living by myself but some things have changed. I'm no longer meek or scared. I'm stronger and I know myself better now than I ever did before. Some days I feel like the person I was before my divorce and my current post-divorce self would have nothing to talk about if we sat in a room together.
Before, I was afraid of going everywhere and doing everything by myself, but now that is something I treasure. I can make my own decisions without having to consult or consider anyone. If I want to eat ice cream for supper, I can! I really enjoy my independence :)
At this point in my life, I don't ever see myself getting married again or having kids. The frustrating thing about this realization is people's reactions when they hear this. They say, "You're still young. You'll change your mind someday." Or, "You just haven't met the right guy." My mom is the absolute worst about this.
Guess what people? I know myself and I know I don't want to get married or have kids. OK?!?!
Now, I don't think there's anything wrong with getting married or having kids. Some of my best friends are married and are having kids in the near future. I love my friends and I'm sure I'll love their kids, but it's just not for me.
This post was partially inspired by two posts by Melanie over at Dear Debt. Her two posts can be found here and here. My favorite part of her posts,
"...it’s expected that women want children. No one has ever congratulated me and said, “You are making such a great financial decision. Good for you for not bringing a child into this crazy world!""Wouldn't it be great if people could just accept that everyone is different and what "most women" want is what every woman wants.
Some may think I'm selfish for enjoying the fact that I have no one to answer to and no one to consider in my decisions, including financial decisions, except myself, and truth be told, I guess that is selfish. But that's why I love being single and I'm not looking to change it!
Note: Did you see that Girl Meets Debt mentioned me again today?! I'm part of the Women's Power Wednesday post today!
Another note: If you are interested in guest-posting at Shoeaholicnomore, email me at shoeaholicnomore[at]gmail[dot]com!
posted by shoeaholicnomore @ 8:11 AM
14 Comments
14 Comments:
SHNM, your younger years sound LOTS like mine. I too always had a BF and was so afraid to be alone, and it's so absolutely wonderful to have the freedom and the confidence to do what you please, isn't it? Good for you, and good for you for knowing what you want. It's a lot smarter to make decisions based on what YOU know is best for you than to make a mistake like marriage or children than involves other people's lives as well as your own. Stick to your guns, my friend. :-)
Laurie,
Thanks for the encouragement! I already made the marriage mistake once and found it out the hard way. I'm not saying I'm totally against marriage for everyone, my BFF is married and I love her and her hubby. Their relationship is amazing! I just know it's not for me. :)
You're radiating independence here, love it! Only you know what is right for yourself. It sucks, but you just have to filter the skepticism out. I'm 90% sure I don't want kids either so I can identify a bit. It's annoying to have others tell us that we will change our minds just because we are young. Who are they to know?
EM - The skepticism does suck, but I'm getting better at just ignoring the naysayers. :)
I don't think you're selfish at all. In fact, I think it's awesome that you know what you want and you're not trying to live up to other peoples' expectations. Not everyone wants to get married, have 2.5 kids and buy a house in the suburbs (not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not for everyone).
I think that self awareness is a blessing, and good for you for having it! It's funny, because from 16, I was a serial monogamist and never without a man. Now I have been married for almost 11 years and I tell people that if it doesn't work out, I have ZERO interest in another marriage. No thanks. I also chose to have one child, people wanted me to have more, but I realized the emotional and financial burden that he created in my life, and I didn't want to expose myself to any more. I have not regretted my decision for a second.
KK, You are absolutely right. There is nothing wrong with the "standard" 2.5 kids, suburbian lifestyle, its just not for me :)
Shannon- When I was a teen all I wanted to do was get married, then after having been married all I want to do now is be single. Funny how that happens :) I'm sure your little man is sweet, but you're right, kids do take a lot of time, attention, and money. It should be totally up to the couple if they want more children, but for some reason, most of us allow society to dictate what is "normal". Good for you for not allowing anyone else to tell you wether or not you should have more children!
From a 23 y.o who has always known she's wanted kids, I'm so happy that you are vocal about what you want out of life. I hate when other women go with the flow and get married because it's what their parents want or because all their friends are doing it. Nobody knows exactly what's best for you, so do whatever it is you want.
Thank you Amanda! It can be hard sometimes to not give in to the "peer pressure" of getting married or having kids, honestly I think the reason I got married when I did was because I loved the idea of marriage more than I loved the person I was marrying... Oh well, that's water under the bridge and I now know myself far better than I would've without having had these experiences.
It's funny, 'cause I never had a boyfriend until I was almost 24. Just very few "flings", but never anything serious or anything that lasted longer than a month, most years nothing at all. I was mostly very happy being single and independent. Now I am with my bf for more than five years and happy that way and I guess, we will someday marry, because why not? We are already a married old couple in our ways. I wouldn't be with him if he didn't just match my way of life naturally, which he luckily does. Like in, I can eat ice cream for supper now just as I always could. I'd never want to have to "cope" with anything in a relationship, as, honestly, I'd rather be on my own then.
I guess, life has its own ways and the best you can do is being true to yourself and living the way you feel best with.
So, congratulations on having found your independence and enjoy it! ;-)
It's great that you've found someone who can accept you just as you are, quirks and all. :)
I really respect when people are clear about their preferences for children or no children. It's a lot of work (and rewards) but it's just not for everyone. No different from owning versus renting. SAHM vs working moms. They all have disadvantages and advantages and people have natural leanings that are right for them, so just because it may be different from the majority, doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do for you!!
Having said that, my aunt never married or had children and she was totally our second mom. We were so close to her and she spoiled us. I feel so blessed to have had such a special relationship with her. I miss her still so much even though she died 15 years ago. So in a way she had the best of both worlds. She never had a car either so she was a real trend bucker.
Congrats on your independence - you go girl!
I am really excited to be an aunt some day! My brother is younger than me, he's only 20, so I hope it will be at least a couple more years before I'm an aunt. But even still, I am really excited to have nieces and nephews to spoil. My BFF and I are like sisters, so when she and her hubby choose to have kids, I'll be really excited about that too!
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